The invitation arrives before the plans are settled: dinner at one house, dessert at another, and a relative expecting you to stay all weekend. You say yes before you have decided anything, and the dread settles in right behind it.
If you have wondered how to set boundaries during the holidays without feeling like the villain, you are in good company. The American Psychiatric Association’s holiday poll found that nearly one in three adults (32%) worry about dealing with challenging family dynamics. That worry is common, and you can prepare for it.
At DBT Center of Long Beach, we teach dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) as a both/and approach. You are doing the best you can, and you can still learn new ways to respond. That same idea fits the holidays, because you can love your family and still protect your limits.
Why Do Boundaries Feel So Hard to Hold During the Holidays?
The holidays squeeze old family roles into a few days. You may be the peacemaker, the host, or the person who always says yes, and everyone at the table remembers that version of you. Family roles like these are familiar territory for our Clinical Director, whose training includes DBT work with families of emotionally dysregulated clients.
Local plans add to the pull. A cousin lands at Long Beach Airport expecting your guest room. A relative proposes the Naples Island Christmas boat parade and a late dinner.
Declining either one can feel bigger than the request itself, and guilt rushes in because saying no can feel like rejecting people you love. Naming the pull before you arrive takes away some of its surprise.
What Guilt Does and Does Not Tell You
In DBT, guilt is treated as information, not a verdict. Our Clinical Director’s approach starts by making sure your struggle is heard, so guilt is acknowledged before it is examined.
Next, name the feeling as precisely as you can. Then ask yourself two questions. Did I break one of my own values or hurt someone, or am I simply disappointing an expectation?
Guilt that fits the facts points toward a repair, such as a sincere apology. Guilt that does not fit the facts can be met with opposite action. Opposite action means calmly holding the boundary instead of apologizing it away.
A boundary is not a wall. It is part of how you build what our mission calls a life worth living and sharing.
How to Set Boundaries During the Holidays With DBT Skills
The short answer: decide your limit before you walk in, say it once in warm and plain words, and repeat it calmly if pushed. DBT’s interpersonal effectiveness module turns that answer into a step-by-step script.
One of those scripts is called DEAR MAN, and it walks you through seven steps. Describe the situation, express how you feel, assert what you need,d and reinforce why it works for everyone. Then stay mindful of your goal, appear confident, and negotiate where you can.
Two companion skills keep the moment steady. GIVE keeps the relationship warm: be gentle, show interest, validate,e and keep an easy manner. FAST protects your self-respect: stay fair, skip needless apologies, stick to your values, es and tell the truth.
Our adult DBT skills group teaches this module in weekly sessions, and the leaders assign homework so you practice each script in everyday life. The group is live and online, with 90-minute sessions and a full cycle of about 24 weeks.
What Does a Boundary Sound Like at the Table?
Our skills group works with scripts like these, and each one names the limit without a lecture.
For a time limit, try “We would love to join you for dinner, and we will head out by 8 p.m. so we can rest.” For a topic that starts fights, try “I am not going to discuss that today, and I would love to hear about your trip.”
For a hosting request, try “We cannot host this year, and we would be glad to meet you for brunch.” For a question about your plans, try “We are still deciding and will let you know by Friday.”
Pick the script that matches the request, then adjust the words until they sound like you. A sentence you would actually say beats a perfect one you would not.
Staying Steady When Someone Pushes Back
Pushback is where most boundaries wobble. DBT’s answer is to repeat the same calm sentence without adding new reasons, because every extra explanation gives the other person something to argue with.
Pause before you answer, breathe out slowly,y and then say your sentence again. Distress tolerance rests on one idea: accepting reality is not the same as approving of it. A relative can be disappointed while your decision stands.
Between sessions, you can call your individual therapist for phone coaching, for example, a 5- to 10-minute check-in when something dysregulating comes up. The therapist helps you apply the skill in the moment. We include it at no added charge for individual therapy clients.
Parents and Teens Can Practice Boundaries Together
Holiday boundaries get more tangled when a teen is involved. A teenager may dread relatives’ questions while a parent feels pulled to smooth everything over.
Our adolescent DBT program brings caregivers into a weekly 120-minute group, where teens and caregivers learn skills alongside other families. We often suggest that caregivers meet with a different therapist so the teen’s individual therapist isn't steering treatment at a parent’s request.
At the table, a simple signal can help, such as a hand resting on the chair, which means a teen needs a break. Agree on it together before the gathering.
How Do You Know It Is Time for Extra Support?
A script helps most when the pattern is occasional. Extra support makes sense when the pattern keeps repeating. Examples include dread that starts weeks before a gathering, a yes that turns into resentment by dessert, or conflict that replays for days.
Each one is a sign that an old pattern has had plenty of practice, and a new pattern can be built.
Our free 5-minute assessment sorts whether your pattern leans toward undercontrol, which Standard DBT addresses, or overcontrol, which Radically Open DBT (RO-DBT) addresses. Your score points to a starting place, and a clinician can help you from there.
What Does Starting DBT With Us Look Like?
It starts with a free 15-minute phone consultation with our Clinical Director. A 50-minute evaluation then determines whether you're a fit for individual therapy, a skills group, or both.
Individual therapy begins weekly and typically runs 6 to 12 months, with a check-in at the 6-month mark to continue, taper, or complete the program.
DBT Support for Holiday Boundaries in Long Beach
DBT Center of Long Beach sits at 5855 E Naples Plaza, Suite 207, Long Beach, California 90803, close to Naples Island. Our team brings DBT skills to adults and teens through individual therapy and skills training.
Founder and Clinical Director Tiana Rogachevsky, LMFT, has practiced DBT clinically for 13 years and applies it in her own life. She is a DBT-Linehan Board of Certification Certified Clinician™, so the person on your first call is certified in the treatment itself.
If you tend to smile through distress and keep it all inside, our RO-DBT California Collective offers a track built for overcontrol. Our team is Level 3 trained in RO-DBT.
Frequently Asked Questions
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No. A boundary describes what you will do, not what others must do. Our skills group teaches limit setting as a practiced skill, not a personality trait.
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Participants can join our adult DBT skills group at any time, and we ask for steady weekly attendance so the skills build on each other. You can keep your current therapist and join only the group, though group-only clients may need one to four weeks of pre-treatment. Contact us to confirm the next open cohort.
Ready to Walk Into the Holidays With a Plan You Trust?
You can enter the season knowing what you will say and why it matters. A short call with our Clinical Director is a chance to talk through what you are facing and what a first step could look like. When you are ready, choose a time to get your free 15-minute phone consultation.
